A Matter Of Necessity Read online

  Damn him! The lawyer pounced on that display of weakness. He wanted to hear Alex deny any want for the other agent. Shawn's carefully blanked face drew Alex's full attention. He could end it here. Declare it hopeless. He could be free to go back to his life, such as it was.

  "Mr. Ware! Do you want to continue in a sexual relationship with Mr. Shawn Matthews?"

  His lips felt impossibly dry and he couldn't look away from Shawn. He was under oath. "I...ahm... Yes."

  "I'm sorry. Louder, please, so we can hear you."

  Hope flared in Shawn's eyes.

  "Yes. I said yes. I would like to...ahm...yes. I'd like to have a relationship with Shawn Matthews." God help him.

  "Yes!" Shawn's shout of glee and upraised fist drew a glare from the judge and a rap of the gavel. David's head dropped between his knees, and Maddy's mouth dropped open.

  * * * *

  Alex pressed against Shawn's chest with both hands to avoid an embrace and a kiss. "Slow down."

  Some of the joy drained from the Australian's face. "But you said you wanted to work this out and be with me."

  "I did. I do." Alex looked about, panic rising. There were press and onlookers just outside the courtroom and more than a few inside it. "But not in the middle of a federal courtroom." The objection tumbled out. "There is such a thing as decorum you know!"

  The grin lighting Shawn's face returned. "Well, I have none because... Let me see, how did you phrase it? Right. I'm an uncouth barbarian." His voice dropped to a rumbling purr and his hand dropped to Alex's. "Give me half a chance and I'll show you just how uncouth I can be. You'll love every minute of it." He laughed. "Good thing you have enough decorum for both of us. Keeps us balanced. And safe from arrest for public sex acts." His fingers twined with Alex. "There. Is that decorous enough for you, beautiful?"

  Alex couldn't pull away from that gloriously comforting grip. Not when it allowed the spiders crawling about in his intestines to escape and go haunt some other sexually confused and frustrated man. His fingers tightened involuntarily around Shawn's.

  The teasing smile turned soft. The lust sparkling in Shawn's eyes turned to radiant comfort. He gripped Alex's hand tight. "It's okay. We're in this together."

  Together. Oh, the glow that word caused.

  The prosecutor descended with Mark and David in tow. "You were both brilliant! Ronnecker's attorney just dropped his motion."

  Relief weakened Alex's knees. "It's over then?"

  "This one. I'm sure there'll be others. Ronnecker was furious. You robbed him of his chance to ruin your lives." Mark's gaze strayed to their clasped hands. "Good thing you've already asked for a transfer, Alex. Everything about this case has to be pure SOP, nothing outside standard operating procedure." He gave a faintly wondering shake of his head. "I suppose you're not interested in California anymore."

  "I suppose not." He really should let Shawn go, but he couldn't get his fingers to uncurl.

  The prosecutor frowned slightly and opened his mouth, but a call from one of his legal aides drew him away.

  "So, ah, you want to get out of here?" David avoided looking at them directly. "There are media people all over."

  Mark nodded. "It's high profile. Weapons of mass destruction on U.S. soil? Big news. Your identities have some protection as undercover agents, but there's no sense in tempting our friends in the press." He led the way down a corridor.

  "We have friends in the press?" Shawn tugged Alex along by the hand.

  "Not unless you're cheating on me with the crime correspondent at the Post."

  The hold on his hand brought Alex up short.

  "Never. You still don't get that I'm not playing at this, do you? This isn't a fancy, beautiful. I do love you." He didn't wait for an answer, but pulled them both after Mark and David.

  It was a good thing; Alex didn't have an answer for him.

  * * * *

  Alex gulped the icy water the waitress sat before him. He felt impossibly hot despite the snowy afternoon outside.

  "Headache?" Shawn's low-voiced question was accompanied by a squeeze to Alex's fingers. Their clasped hands rested on the edge of the table. Alex had been too weak-willed to pull away from him in the car or now in the restaurant. It didn't matter if David stared or Mark blatantly ignored it. He needed to feel Shawn's skin on his.

  "Not yet. I'm sure it will come." The pressure of it already lurked just behind his eyeballs.

  "I know. I'm not surprised. It's the tension. I can help. You know a good neck massage and it'll go away."

  Along with every iota of pride Alex had left. He shook his head. "I'll be alright." He shouldn't have agreed to stop for lunch after the hearing. God knew he had no appetite. So little in fact, he smiled politely at the hovering server and informed her he'd just have tea.

  Shawn glanced up from contemplating the silverware, but placed his order as did Mark and David. Silence hung for all of thirty seconds before David motioned toward their hands. "So, when did this all come about?"

  Shawn shrugged. "Like I said, I've been thinking about it for years. This was my dream assignment. You know I'm not a man to walk away from an opportunity, mate."

  Eyebrows shot up for an instant and the glance slid away before snapping back. Alex really wished David had more than five facial expressions. Then he might have some subtle clue what the other man was thinking.

  Wait. Dream assignment? Had Shawn planned this all along?

  "I saw my chance and I took it. And then Ronnecker wanted a good bit more than kisses from us. If he wasn't such a piece of scum, I could have hugged him. He gave me five months of Alex and life as a real couple." Tanned fingers tightened on his. "That's longer than most Hollywood marriages. I'd like to see by just how much we can beat the odds."

  David looked almost as confused as Alex felt. "So, you were happy doing the whole domestic bliss thing?"

  "Are you kidding? It was great. I've never been happier. Almost as happy as I am that Alex wants to try for that again."

  That easy admission terrified Alex. It also made him feel like shouting for joy. He gulped more water.

  "Well, it certainly made the Assistant U. S. Attorney happy. And it spiked Ronnecker's guns. He'll have to find a whole new tact." Mark settled back, turning the topic.

  Alex felt sympathy for him. This whole thing was uncomfortable.

  "I really want to see him get life." Mark's phone chimed. "Speaking of domestic bliss, I need to get that. The wife." He stood and headed for whatever privacy he could find.

  David leaned forward, not content to continue Mark's less personally disturbing tangent. "So when did you think you might want to share that the two of you were doing more than was absolutely necessary for the job?" His rich cocoa eyes locked on Shawn. "And, more importantly, when were you going to tell me you're bi, Shawn? I'm supposed to be your best friend."

  "It just never came up." Shawn gave a shrug.

  "Maybe I should excuse myself for a while." Alex would have risen, but Shawn's hand locked tighter on his. "Or maybe not." He sank back into the chair with a heavy sigh.

  "Look, David, I wasn't exactly in the closet, but I wasn't exactly out, either. I told the people I knew could be comfortable with the knowledge. I didn't think you would be. I may have been wrong, but if not at least I gave you years to get to know me without any labels my sexuality might cause."

  David looked so shocked Alex actually felt sorry for him. "If it makes you feel any better, I didn't have a clue. I thought Shawn was as straight as..." Alex stopped abruptly. "I started to say as straight as I was, but apparently I'm not as straight as I thought I was either."

  David's confusion lightened and a smile appeared. "Yeah." The smile grew slightly. "Hey, better you than me. To be honest, if I thought I was straight and then found out I wasn't, I'd be in therapy for months."

  Alex let his smile twist. "Who says I'm not?" Ah, that reaction made it almost worth it.

  David twirled his water glass for a while. "So you've al
ways had a thing for Alex and just never acted on it, Shawn? And now you want to move in together and have babies?" Something hurt lurked in the depths of those thick-lashed eyes.

  "Pretty much." Shawn's grin turned on Alex. "Don't you think I'd look cute in maternity tops, love?"

  Alex couldn't begin to form a response to that! What was Shawn playing at? Or did he just enjoy making Alex as embarrassed as possible? He tugged faintly at their clasped hands, not wanting to make a scene in a crowded restaurant. Shawn only held him tighter and raised Alex's hand to his lips.

  "Look, David. It's not so hard to understand. Yeah, I've lusted after Alex for years, but during this undercover I got to know him. We lived together for five weeks before we got intimate, and by that time I was sure he was what I wanted. And the months we were together only strengthened that. For half a year he was all I had. Friend, confidant, partner, and eventually lover." Shawn's azure gaze settled on Alex. "I never had to be afraid he wasn't there for me, or worry about him having my back. Or being there to listen when I thought I was losing my mind. Or if I just wanted to talk about the ballgame."

  Alex ducked his head, focusing on the rim of his water glass. That was all true and worked in the reverse as well. He'd told Shawn things in that little loft he'd never shared with anyone. Things that made his chest tighten now.

  "How can you doubt I love him?"

  The waitress's return with soup and salad saved David from a response to Shawn. And possibly saved what remained of Alex's sanity. She'd barely gone when Shawn sat his bowl of soup in front of Alex. "That's for you."

  He opened his mouth to protest and met Shawn's soft lips. Every cell in his body tensed up and then exploded even from so brief, almost chaste, a kiss.

  "Don't argue. You have hollows in your cheeks, and if you'd let me touch you, I'm sure I could feel your ribs. I don't like seeing you like this. Eat." He ran a forefinger over Alex lips. "It's one of your favorites."

  It was. A rich concoction of seafood and vegetables in a spicy tomato base. Alex sipped at the broth experimentally when Shawn leaned back in his chair.

  "That's better. Don't go getting sick on me. You know I can't make you homemade chicken soup if that happens."

  "You wouldn't be able to find the microwave to heat canned." Alex took another sip. "And you'd doubtless manage to burn it if you did."

  David actually gave a strangled laugh.

  Alex arched a brow. "I haven't forgotten his numerous shortcomings. He's still amazingly annoying a great deal of the time."

  "And amazingly sexy the rest of it." Shawn fished a shrimp out of Alex's soup by grasping it by the tail with his fingers.

  "Do you mind!" Alex stared at him incredulously.

  "Not at all, pet." He sucked on the little crustacean before biting it off and swallowing it down whole.

  Alex heart stopped, flipped, and restarted with a rush. He was barely aware of Mark returning, of conversation around him, of the rest of the meal arriving. He answered questions, took part in the small talk, but all he could really think of was the way Shawn's knee pressed his thigh, how Shawn's thumb caressed his palm, and how whenever his gaze strayed to the Australian, Shawn's was already fixed on his.

  Shawn insisted he have a crème brulé for dessert. He didn't even bother protesting when the other man took the first bite.

  The Aussie licked the tiny bit of crème off the tip of his spoon. "That tastes good." He leaned close, his lips brushing the whorls of Alex's ear. "But not as good as you." His whisper lit that well-remembered fire inside Alex. "God, I want to taste you again. Do you know how hard it is not to do something utterly illegal to you right this instant."

  Alex could only stare straight ahead, spoon poised just above his sweet.

  "Let me take you home. It can be like it was. They all know now; there's no reason to torture us both."

  "Shawn, please." His feeble protest barely reached his own ears and certainly not David directly across from him, fixated and unable to look elsewhere.

  "Mark, I think Alex and I need an afternoon off. It's been a hell of a day."

  The dark-skinned agent nodded. "I can't argue with that. Alright." He pushed back from the table. "But I expect you on time tomorrow. We still have a country to protect."

  Shawn just grinned. "Come on, babe, let's go home."

  * * * *

  The ride to the Hoover Building was silent. So was half the ride to Alex's house.

  "You going to be alright, pet? Or do I need to take you to the hospital." Shawn handled Alex's government-issue car with ease. "Or the liquor store?"

  Alex managed a faint smile. "Neither. I'm not sick and my bar is fully stocked." Except for the serious in-roads he'd made on his cache of premium imported scotch. That supply had been dwindling steadily since he'd returned from undercover.

  "Good. Because I've been drinking rather too much lately." He maneuvered through the light afternoon traffic. "I went on a total bender when you left, by the way. Called in sick and stayed drunk for three days."

  "Really? That's a bit extreme, don't you think?" Alex stared out at the passing scenery. He almost expected to see it in burning ruins. Rather like his career. He'd managed to torpedo that quite proficiently. The thing he feared most. Done. And done to remarkable effect. He'd come out. On the witness stand. In front of his team, the justice system, and the press. Dear God. The press. He closed his eyes.

  "Not for the way I was feeling. Sort of like my life was over." Shawn reached for his hand. "You're turning blue, love. What's going on in that head of yours?"

  It had been a long time since he shared his inner-most thoughts with Shawn. Nearly eight weeks now. He wasn't sure he could again, however much he wished it otherwise. Time for a diversionary tact. "Why are you so...open about us? Especially in front of David. I thought you'd prefer to be circumspect around him of all people."

  "Naw. He freaks out the hardest. That makes it more fun. If you can't freak out your best friend, it isn't really worth it. And he tries to cover it and he's a complete tosser at it." Shawn grinned at the car in front of them. "Come on. You have to admit you enjoyed the look on his face. I kept expecting you to kiss me back just so we could see if he kept his lunch down."

  "So that was all some sort of joke on David? Some game to make him uncomfortable?"

  Shawn pulled into Alex's community, keying the code to the gate as easily as Alex could have himself. "Part of it. It's the best way to get him past whatever issues he has. If he's annoyed with me, he won't have time to be a pain in the ass to you. And he needs to understand up front that you aren't in any way weak or effeminate for being with me."

  That brought up a memory. "That I'm not your bitch."

  Shawn parked in front of Alex house. "That's one way to put it."

  Every ounce of cold anger surfaced. They'd laughed at him. Joked about him behind his back. Speculated that he was gay and far less than a man. "Well, that is how you and David put it, wasn't it? When the two of you were so busy denigrating me and deciding what man I'd bend over for."

  "It wasn't exactly like that." Shawn shut off the engine and turned to face him.

  "Then how exactly was it?" It was so easy to give in to the ice and fury.

  "Look, you know how David can be. He's got a bit of a mean streak. And he says things that aren't exactly copasetic. Or kind. And sometimes I just agree with him because it's easier than arguing with him." He looked down for a moment. "I apologize for not saying what I really thought, for taking the easy road and being weak enough to hide that you're the sexiest man I've ever seen. He'd never have understood."

  That pure blue gaze returned to Alex's. "Back then I didn't have a reason to risk my friendship with him. Now I do. I'll risk anything to be with you."

  Really? Alex doubted that somehow. He pushed the car door open and climbed out, heading for the house. Shawn followed so close he could feel the brush of the other man's coat against his. Alex paused on the bit of front porch out of the snow and i
ce. "So what if I said I'm still going to California and you can drop all this, including David, and come with me or it's over?"

  "I can be packed in less than forty-eight hours." Those clear eyes never left him.

  "Don't be flip."

  "I'm not. And if that's too long, well, I'll hire someone to pack me up and I'll follow you right now." He took the key from Alex's hand and turned it in the lock. "Or I'll leave it and go with you without it."

  Part of Alex wanted to believe it and part wanted to hide under the bed covers and pretend none of this was happening. The bit of broth he'd had for lunch felt heavy in his stomach.

  Concern blossomed on Shawn's face. "Here, let's get you inside." He steered Alex into the house and helped him out of his coat. He settled Alex on the couch and sat down beside him. "Tell me? Something's very wrong with you, love."

  Alex often favored the direct approach, especially when there was no other path open. "Why are you doing this?" His motion indicated everything, the sex, the jokes, the pursuit, the impossible assertion Shawn would drop everything in his life to follow wherever Alex led. "What's in it for you?"

  "What's in it for me?" His voice trailed off. For long beats of Alex's heart he just sat, then tilted his head. "You don't believe I love you. You honestly don't get where I'm coming from."

  "No. I don't have the least idea where you're coming from."

  "You great dork."

  "Hey!" His protest was cut off by lips descending on his.

  However much anger or fear Alex might feel, Shawn's kisses were still lightning bolts shooting straight to his heart and his sex.

  "You big idiot." Shawn's arms tightened over him. "I suppose I'm just going to have to come up with some way to prove how much I want you."

  Alex didn't doubt that part. Shawn's desire marked everything lately. He couldn't escape it. Even if he wanted to. And he wished his body didn't feel the other man represented the most exciting and fulfilling lover he'd ever had. Then he could push him away and run off to California and adjust to a solitary life. Instead he moaned when Shawn deepened the kiss and slid his arms around Alex's waist.