A Matter Of Necessity Read online

  "You shouldn't expose her to something so salacious. Her upbringing and personal beliefs are not such that she should ever have to..."

  "She's alright." Mark stopped the flood of words. "She understands. She even managed to capture what Shawn said to you that first time. She knows your lives were in immediate danger. She thinks you're both remarkably brave men." He gave the faintest smile. "So do I."

  Alex found he couldn't look his superior in the eye and returned to his contemplation of the name plate reading Mark Wilson. The upper corner of the M was slightly chipped. "Do you understand then why I need to transfer? Strangers...strangers I can ignore. I can tilt my nose in the air and pretend quite successfully they're beneath my notice. Probably because they are. But people I've worked with for half a decade... That's a very different thing. I need to be somewhere else."

  Mark sighed and acknowledged the truth of that. "But I'm not going to let you take just any posting to get away, Alex. You're a damned good agent and you deserve to be somewhere that can offer you the sorts of challenges and opportunities you're suited for. You need to be somewhere better, not worse."

  Alex finally found the strength to meet the other man's gaze. "There is nowhere better. I'll simply have to make do." The walls squeezed closer and he rose in haste. "I still have several reports to complete and pages of forms to fill out. If possible, I'd like to do them from home. For the rest of the week."

  A long sigh escaped Mark. "And then I suppose you'll want some vacation and then your sick time? Hiding won't help things, Alex."

  "Yes, it will." He paused for a shaky breath after snapping at Mark. The weight of the building pressed down on him. "I can't face Terri right now."

  Mark's raised eyebrows and disbelieving tilt of his head clearly said he knew there was more to it than that.

  "Alright! I can't sit across from Shawn knowing how he feels when he looks at me." The fact Mark would put a very different interpretation on that than the truth was irrelevant. Alex had to get away. "I can't keep doing that to him."

  The stiff lines in Mark's face softened. "It has to be hard for both of you. Alright, go finish your reports. I want them letter perfect and able to stand up to any scrutiny. Then take a week off. Go sailing. Go skiing. Just get away. It's not like you haven't earned the time. Six months under deep cover is a long time by anyone's standards. But I want you back here in two weeks. I'm not going to let you run away from a damned fine career because of this." He stood to shake Alex's hand. "This too shall pass."

  "You don't believe that any more than I do. This will be with me the rest of my life. But maybe it will be easier somewhere else." He appreciated the firm clasp of Mark's grip, but found it nothing more than...brotherly. So Mark didn't appeal to him any more than David did.

  Dear Lord. Was he going to go through life checking every man he knew for some hint of a sexual spark? Ice grated against ice in his stomach.

  He hurried to the bullpen, anxious to gather his things and be gone. He ducked his head as he passed Terri's desk, unable to face whatever open sympathy he knew would show on her face. It dropped further as he passed Shawn, but not quickly enough to avoid the glimpse of the desolation his note caused.

  He scrambled to gather his things and flee to whatever slim sanctuary his house and garden offered.

  He should have known Shawn wouldn't let it go so easily. The note appeared on top of his stack of reports, slapped there by a big hand whose mere presence caused tingles to chase up his spine.

  "What's this then?" Shawn stood close enough Alex could feel the heat of him through his own shirt.

  "I thought it rather self-explanatory."

  "Well, I think it's bullshit." The half-whispered tone didn't reduce the intensity of it. "What the hell are you playing at, Alex?"

  "I'm not playing at anything." He dropped the sheets into his briefcase and shouldered past Shawn. That too familiar electricity sparked wherever his body touched the other man's. He swore silently, swung his jacket from the back of his chair, and jammed his arms into it. He could feel Terri's big hazel eyes on them.

  Shawn's fingers burned through his suit coat and shirt when they closed over his upper arm. "Then where are you going?"

  Anger and desperation clawed up from their lairs deep inside Alex. "Anywhere but here." He matched glare for glare. "It's over. Why can't you get that? The sting and everything connected with it is over." He jerked his arm out of Shawn's hold. "And I'm leaving. I've asked for a transfer. That's how very over it is."

  He never saw the fist coming, only felt the numbing shock to his jaw and then the blinding pain. The floor came up to meet him.

  "You bastard."

  Terri's gasp and Maddy's faint shriek formed counterpoints to Shawn's curse.

  "Whoa!" David interposed himself between the two men. "Hold on a second. Easy, Shawn."

  Shawn's face contorted with rage and pain. "You're running away rather than face it. You fucking coward."

  Alex ignored Terri's offer of help and climbed to his feet unaided. He tested for blood; his lip felt split and his mouth tasted of salty copper. "Feel better now?"

  Shawn jerked from David's hold, turning away to kick Alex's desk.

  Alex rubbed the small fleck of blood from his pinky, scrubbing it with his thumb. The injury hurt far less than Shawn's pain. "This is why I need to leave."

  The sympathy and understanding in Terri's eyes only made it harder. He gathered up his coat and briefcase, ignoring the concerned and disbelieving stares of his co-workers.

  "I hate you." Shawn swung around to glare, eyes too bright.

  Please don't let him cry. Alex wouldn't be able bear it if the other man did. He'd crumble and give in, and he had to be strong for both their sakes. He shrugged into his coat.

  "Did you hear me? I hate you."

  Alex nodded. "Good. Maybe you'll be able to get back to your life then."

  Shawn lashed out at the filing cabinet with vicious kicks and punches as Alex turned his back and headed for the parking garage.

  * * * *

  Alex ignored the answering machine and took another sip of scotch.

  "Come on, love, pick up. How can I apologize if you won't answer the phone?"

  "That would be the point, Shawn." Alex adjusted the ice pack on his throbbing lip and stared at one of his paintings, trying to lose himself in the swirls of color. All he managed to do was realize the blue was the same shade as Shawn's eyes.

  "Alex, please. Pick up the phone." The exasperation was beginning to outweigh the apology. "You know this is juvenile, don't you? I'm sorry I hit you." The bar sounds behind him dimmed as if he'd cupped his hand about the phone. "I was hurt. I've never handled the broken heart thing well. And I've never been quite this brokenhearted." Silence, then a frustrated sigh. "Alex, don't be like this."

  Alex snorted. "I have no idea how I am, Matthews. And no clue what I'm doing. I just know that if I answer that phone I'll give you whatever you want. I've nearly reached the point of throwing it all away just to end this."

  "Shawn." David's voice sounded tinny over the phone. "Come on. I didn't bring you here for you to brood and call your P-doc or whatever. Look, there are three girls over there staring at you like you're their favorite flavor lollipop. Go give one of them a taste."

  "Shut up, David. And go away. This call is important." Shawn's voice was far clearer. "I mean it. Leave me alone."

  David must have taken the hint, or at least backed off a bit, because Shawn's plea returned. "Alex?" His voice was softer now, reminiscent of the one that caressed Alex in their shared bed. "Alex? Please. Talk to me. Don't do this."

  Alex reached over and hit the block caller option. The scotch burned going down.

  Chapter 3

  * * *

  Alex set his briefcase on his desk and surveyed the new arrangement. Shawn's desk now sat at right angles to his with a good half foot separating them. Two weeks was far from enough time for his transfer to take effect, so he'd have to t
ough it out until the bureaucracy--or should he say "Bureau"cracy?--managed to wind his paperwork through its labyrinthine bowels. At least he wouldn't have to do it with his desk welded face-to-face with Shawn's.

  He rubbed his hands. They were red and chapped from salt spray and chilling winds, but nine days on his sailboat, free from everything but the sea, had cleared his mind even if it gave him no answers. He could do this.

  Terri appeared, of course, beside him instantly. "It's good to have you back." Her faint and unique lisp held a bit of hesitancy. "You're very...red."

  "I've been sailing." He hung his coat and gave her a brief smile.

  "In the winter?" The hesitancy gave way to surprise.

  "Yes, I like it. It's...liberating." He knew if he allowed it, the next hour would turn into an elaborate game of Twenty Questions. "Forgive me, Terri, but I need to speak with Shawn for a moment."

  He'd felt the Australian's gaze on him since he walked in, but Shawn hadn't said a thing. Despite the clamping fear in his stomach, Alex moved to stand in front of the other man. "I'm not a coward. But I was running away."

  Lackluster eyes looked up at him. Shawn looked like he'd lost ten pounds and several nights' sleep. He gave a slow nod. "I know. I shouldn't have called you that." His hands clenched where they rested on his blotter. "I don't hate you."

  "I never thought you did." Alex gave a sigh. "I'm sorry I blocked your calls, but I just couldn't deal with it at that moment."

  Another of those slow nods. "I understand." He inhaled deeply. "So you came back."

  It was Alex turn to nod. "If you think we can work together until my transfer goes through. If it's too hard, I'll take a leave of absence."

  The faintest of smiles appeared along with a tiny snort. "You got to stop protecting me."

  He let his own smile show just a bit. "Force of habit." Still he didn't reach to shake Shawn's hand. He couldn't touch him. He wasn't ready to feel that electricity that only Shawn could produce.

  Terri's happy glow followed him to his desk chair. Bless her optimistic heart. She doubtless hoped her world would go back to normal now that they'd kissed and made up. The visual of that sent him seeking coffee with trembling hands.

  Still, he could do this. For however many weeks it took, he could do this.

  He managed it for three days before Mark called a team meeting. Mark wore the sober face he always used to explain things that made Alex's insides roil.

  "Alex, Shawn." Just the sound of their names coupled set a spark in Alex's stomach. "There's a development on the Ronnecker case. He's challenging the arrest, claiming it wasn't a righteous bust."

  "He what!" Alex clamped down on his temper. It ran too hot lately. "That's a lie. He's just fishing."

  Mark glanced at the closed file in front of him before he met Alex's eyes. "He's claiming the Bureau manipulated this because he's gay and his civil rights have been violated."

  Alex agreed with every one of the epithets Shawn chose to label their former mark.

  Their supervisor eventually held up his hand. "I've no doubt you're right. But it means a hearing has been scheduled right away. You'll both be asked to testify. And they've requested the surveillance data from L'Cage claiming...who knows what."

  Shawn paled, his mouth open as he took long, hard breaths. Alex could only look at him, numbness spreading through his body and mind.

  "The team will need to review the list of evidence the defense has requested and supply it." Mark studied the coffeemaker. "They've asked for specific dates and times from the L'Cage surveillance data. I'm so sorry."

  "I'm sure I can tell you what dates he wanted." Shawn's jaw tightened.

  "I'm sure you can."

  "Mark, this isn't about his civil rights; this is about revenge!" Shawn's face darkened. "He's balls up because we busted his arse and this is his way of getting his own back at us." Shawn crumpled the copy of the request Mark pushed to him and threw it at the wall. "Well, the twat can rack off before I give him a right good reason to chuck a spaz."

  Alex might only understand a third of what the Australian said, but he understood the sentiment. "It's still a very effective way of extracting his pound of flesh. I knew it would come out at the trial. I just thought I'd have a bit longer to...adjust." Alex shied from Terri's commiserating smile. It might melt the wall of numbing ice protecting him from feeling anything. "Still, I suppose it could be worse. We still have time to run away to Borneo."

  That got a snort of laughter from his ex-lover. "I can't see you in a sarong, mate."

  It was the closest they'd had to a normal exchange since the case ended. The warmth of it threatened the numbness further.

  That classically pole-axed look of utter confusion settled over David's face. "Is there a problem with the surveillance tapes? I mean, Special Operations Group ran all the 24/7 surveillance. SOG swore everything was perfect."

  "And it is." Mark took a deep breath and turned back to Alex and Shawn. "I leave it up to you two. I can assign the task to this team, or I can give it to an outside unit."

  That brought a far less pleasant icy feel. One that hurt and burned. Strangers. Looking at Shawn doing wonderful, immensely personal things that Alex could only remember with pleasure and joy. Making jokes about it. Turning it into something ugly and sordid. Alex nearly gagged. His gaze jumped to Shawn. His own thoughts reflected from the Aussie's horrified face.

  "Here." Shawn's guttural answer carried the weight of his dismay.

  Alex nodded. "Here. I can't stomach the idea of strangers seeing it. A jury is one thing, but to have some idiot laughing and spreading jokes about it through the whole building? No."

  Mark nodded. "I thought that might be your choice." Mark straightened his shoulders. "Okay, everybody listen up. Alex and Shawn have just placed a hell of a lot of trust in all of you. You should feel honored." His gaze swept David, Terri, and Maddy. "During the course of their undercover assignment, it became necessary for Alex and Shawn to engage in some very intimate activities to maintain their cover. Their lives were in jeopardy. They did what they had to. And they got the job done and took a massive shipment of biological weapons out of terrorist hands."

  David's eyes went big. Terri looked from Mark to her teammates and gave a tiny nod of understanding and support. But Maddy focused on Shawn. "I'm sorry. What does that mean?"

  Alex could feel the force of Shawn's eyes on him. He couldn't look at anyone else.

  "We had sex. It means we had sex." The Australian's voice still carried anger. "And apparently the Bureau caught it all on tape."

  "Yes. Well, Pamela Anderson has nothing on us." Alex twirled a pen between his fingers. "Today Federal court, tomorrow the Internet."

  "We'll try to keep that sort of leakage to a minimum. Alright people. This won't be fun for any of us, but we're here to support Alex and Shawn. We'll get the evidence this punk wants and I hope to God he chokes on it."

  * * * *

  Alex leaned his head against the side of the bathroom stall and focused on breathing. He hadn't experienced a panic attack in nearly two years. Not like this. At least he knew how to handle them now. He used all the tricks his psychologist imparted and just let the terror flow away. Repressing it, trying to control it, would only make it worse.

  When had his life spiraled so out of control he ended up sitting in the handicapped stall of the men's room hiding from Terri Anderson? Lovely woman, brilliant, truly caring, the closest thing to a real friend he had, and the utter last thing he needed at the moment. He wasn't ready for one of her pep talks nor was he ready to bare his soul to her. Or betray Shawn's secret.

  Shawn. Dear God. His breath caught. Shawn, source of turmoil and the probable end of his life as he knew it. The Australian couldn't just leave it at a forced encounter; he had to make it more. And Alex had no resistance to that broad grin and impossibly sweet words. Under the Australian's talented mouth and hands and gleaming smile, what should have been an excruciatingly embarrassing necessity becam
e a secret delight.

  It was one thing to look at it as Mark currently did--valor above and beyond the call of duty. It was quite another to stand and say, Yes, I was quite straight until Shawn Matthews seduced me, and now I rather fear I've gone gay.

  Not that anyone would believe it. The great tanned hulk of Australian manliness and charm, seducing Alex Ware? Never. It had to be the slightly effete New Englander with his milky skin and sensitive, refined tastes who initiated it all. Alex must have used Shawn's drive to get the job done to warp the poor boy.

  For just an instant Alex wanted to wrap his hands around Shawn's throat and squeeze. The urge fled in a flash of memory of just how that strong column of muscle felt under his hands, his fingers moving in a caress on skin by turns smooth as silk and prickly with stubble. Of the feel of those same muscles swallowing in glorious ripples around him, sending him spinning into ecstasy. He groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

  No, it wasn't Shawn's fault. In fact, the Australian had far more to lose in a barrage of rumor and innuendo than he did. Alex knew how to deal with slurs to his masculinity; he'd done so his whole life. Shawn didn't.

  When this all came out, how big a price would the other man pay for wanting Alex? Would David remain his best friend, or would the little questions and concerns eventually lead him to push Shawn away? And how would he handle all that would become public from this hearing and the later trial? How would either of them? What if the media picked it up? It was just the sort of story to appeal to the sensationalist tone currently in vogue...

  FBI Gay Sting. Straight Agents Now Say Gay Is the Way.

  He shuddered. His parents reading twisted and scandalous versions of the last seven months strung out by the melodramatic press. He closed his eyes and concentrated on feeling nothing.

  The sounds of people coming and going eased as what remained of lunch time slipped away. Blessed silence. His breathing slowed, returning to normal, leaving him exhausted and drenched in cold sweat. He resolved to rest for just a moment more before he had to gather what was left of his pride and face his friends.